On Faith.

I used to think I am an agnostic. I attended a Catholic school for a major part of my life and found the religious beliefs of my school a imposing. It is a Catholic institution, so they are not to blame for it. Yet, in the seven years that I studied there, I had little to do with the Chapel at school.

As a child, the Chapel was a place of marvel to me. The beautifully stained glasses, the exquisite silence and kneeling at the benches were an incomprehensible attraction. So for a few days, I remember going up to the Chapel in school with a few other equally awestruck children. Then over the years, I would walk across the corridor to the Chapel everyday to reach my classroom, but the Chapel went unnoticed.

In early years, the entire class would chant a morning prayer, one before lunch and one when school ended. I still remember several hymns that we sang in chorus. As we grew older, nobody would wait to say their prayers when the bell for lunch rang. We became too occupied with after school plans to say a 15 second prayer. However, some practices are now ingrained in me. The prayer that was read aloud in the assembly remains as fresh in my mind as the English alphabet. 

I transferred to a religiously unaffiliated school in 11th grade. I do not mean that religiousness or spirituality is absent, but that no one faith is emphasized upon. Festivals of all religions are spoken about in the assembly with equal fervor. There is no prayer. Instead there are 30 seconds of  shanti in morning assemblies. What one chooses to meditate upon in those 30 seconds is one's own choice.I appreciate this freedom given to students.  I did not like being forced to say prayers or sing hymns. Or so I thought.

One day, during shanti at my new school's assembly, I found myself saying a prayer in my mind. It was the same prayer that I had been reciting at my previous school for seven years. In fact, I had been doing this in every period of shanti. Shanti is usually concluded with a single note of a harmonium. The utter silence in the hall is immediately broken by the chatter of students.I found myself being worried that the music may be played even before I finish my prayer. 

It makes me wonder what my true stand about religion is. Although born into a Hindu family, I have hardly practiced the religion. My visits to temples in the last few years can be counted on my fingers. I cannot recall a single Hindu shlok. Sometimes my father suggests that I should have faith in at least one of the thousand Hindu gods. He says that faith will help me in times of need. My friends and family certainly do not see me as a religious or spiritual being. 

But what does that leave me with? Do my involuntary prayers mean anything? I ruminated more about the prayer that routinely plays in my mind. 

"Oh God, I thank you for the blessings of this new day...."

When in doubt, I try to count five things that I am grateful for and instantly feel better. So the first line of the prayer comes from my heart, excepting the "Oh God" part of it. My usual expressions of gratitude are addressed to "The Universe". 

"Give me the strength and wisdom to live this day as I ought..."

Asking for strength and wisdom seems fine too. Whether there really is a god who will give me strength and wisdom is not in question. I think this line from my prayer is my demand from my own conscience.

"Direct, control and guide me through the hours of this day.

That all my thoughts, words and works may always begin and end in you."

I do not believe in asking for direction and control of my actions. So I try to modify this part of my prayer to notions that I approve of. As for the fourth line, I do not understand what exactly "begin and end in you" even means. 

My prayer is not addressed to any particular God. There is nothing religious about it. At my Catholic school, prayer had been reduced to a routine chanting of verses. I don't remember putting any thought into it. Now, however,I am truly grateful for another day and sincerely pray for wisdom. 

At the end of all this meditation, I have come to realize that I want to have faith. In fact, I do have faith; not in a particular god, but surely in something far beyond my understanding. Right now I call it "The Universe".